Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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