Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
