just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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