The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
