I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
