he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can I color on your dick again?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
