Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
