did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the raccoons are back...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize