Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
