so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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