you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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