I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize