bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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