So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
