I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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