Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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