i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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