so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize