watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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