You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
