I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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