Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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