If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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