i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
