you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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