I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize