I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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