chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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