When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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