gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
