A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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