New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
