In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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