I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
