he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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