Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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