I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
