i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
