I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
