last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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