dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
