you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
