I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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