I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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