Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
