And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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