wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
