My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
