apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
