I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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