I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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