Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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