Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I showed him my bush... on skype.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He shit in the fireplace
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
