Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
