There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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