a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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