at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
