WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
