Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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