just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
